With the B-52’s out of the way, we now get into the three definitive worst rock and alternative songs of the year.  You see, “Good Stuff” for me was a definitive number four.  A step below the previous entries on the list, which I could at least see someone enjoying.  But while “Good Stuff” was at least bad in a weird way, the following three songs have no reason to exist whatsoever.  I honestly could have picked any one of these songs to be the worst of the year, and my pick for worst song shifted at least once during the proceedings.  Unlike my previous three year-end worst lists, where I’m confident I picked the absolute worst song eligible, I have a feeling I’m going to be second-guessing my pick in the months to follow.

So let’s talk about Rush.

Rush.  The progressive rock band that added at least some respectability to Canadian music against the onslaught of Nickelback Bryan Adams, Justin Bieber, and Simple Plan.  The band whose signature song, “Tom Sawyer,” is among the best-known classic rock staples of all time.  One of the most critically acclaimed rock bands of the eighties…

…And I barely know any of their songs.

Guys, just… will you just…. QUIET!!!!

Guys… and gals… I really don’t have much interest in Rush.  It isn’t because I don’t like them. It’s because in the world of popular music, Rush isn’t in my field of study.  They’re a rock band from the eighties, the oldies decade I spend the least amount of time studying.  My eras or music are 90s rock and alternative and 70s oldies.  If I had to choose a third, 60’s pop/rock music, with 2000’s rock and alternative being fourth.  Furthermore, I’ve never really fallen in love with “Tom Sawyer.”  It’s a good song, sure, but it’s not my favorite track.  I get that it’s going to get me tarred and feathered from die-hards as a rock music fan, but then I remember that my list of the greatest guitar solos of all time now looks something like this:

“Comfortably Numb” – Pink Floyd

“Hotel California” – Eagles

“Hope You Feel Better Love” – Isley Brothers

Heading into this project, I only knew two Rush songs, equaling the number of songs that made the 1992 year-end list for the Mainstream Rock charts.  Both singles were from Roll The Bones, which based on my background research for this list is considered to be one of the worst, if not the worst Rush album.  Their first, and biggest song of the year released as a single, was “Ghost Of A Chance.”  I initially considered it as a possibility to contend, but after re-listening to it, it’s okay.  The other song, however, was one I quickly listed as bad before tossing it aside.  Then I re-listened to it to narrow down the worst list contenders, and this horribly misguided song – complete with arguably the worst sequence of the year in rock music – shot into the stratosphere of awfulness.  Geddy, we hardly knew ye.

“Roll The Bones” – Rush

Mainstream Rock
#9 peak (January 4, 1992)
#46 year-end, 20 weeks on chart (14 in 1992)

UK
#49 peak

I know I’m not a fan of Rush, but guys… this isn’t just bad.  This is the type of bad where you have to go above and beyond the call of duty to make something this bad.  Even though I can only sufficiently explain a few Rush songs, I am confident that “Roll The Bones” is their worst song.

Oh God, where to start with this thing?  Well, let’s start with the music per usual.  Rush is known for their complex guitar parts, their otherworldly synths, and especially Neil Peart’s drumming.  I got none of this from “Roll The Bones.”  Alex Lifeson’s two chord, funk-inspired guitar riff is limp and lifeless.  The famed Neil Peart plays… a simple drum pattern to back up Lee and Lifeson.  I keep hearing that Peart is the greatest drummer of all time, but if that statement is true, I have yet to find it.  His drum pattern on “Roll The Bones” could have easily been duplicated by a novice.  But worst of all is Lee’s farting synth, which makes an irritating signal throughout the main riff’s repetitions.  The song switches gears several times, which goes to show just how disjointed this song is.  Listen to the verse, then listen to the pre-chorus with its disjointed funk groove that lacks any sort of control, then listen to the chorus, with its surprisingly decent acoustic guitars and synths.  Do these parts sound like two different parts of the same song?  I thought so.

But that’s just the beginning.  The lyrics are even worse.  As with most Rush songs, the lyrics were written by Neil Peart, who wrote the lyrics about taking chances in life and taking risks.  That can be an interesting topic, to convince someone to overcome their fears and work up the courage to improve their lives.  But once again, I failed to come across convinced that this is a band with cryptic, complex lyrics.  Still to this day, I don’t get “Today’s Tom Sawyer gets high on you,” but at least that lyric grabs your attention since it’s so unusual.  How does Tom Sawyer get high?  By contrast, “Roll The Bones” sounds like an 18 year old’s essay on his book report for English class.  It is just so faux-deep in its presentation of life and morals that it fails to even achieve weird status like “Tom Sawyer.”  Here is the opening statement:

Well, you can stake that claim
Good work is the key to good fortune
Winners take that praise
Losers seldom take that blame

Wow.  I’m so moved.  Those who work the hardest are rewarded the most.  Those who whine and complain get nothing and like it.  This is turning just as cliche-ridden as an American Idol contestant’s first single.

But it gets worse.  Remember that decent chorus I was telling you about?  Well, I was only referring to the music.  The lyrics cancel it out entirely.

Why are we here?
Because we’re here
Roll the bones

Why does it happen?
Because it happens
Roll the bones

The answer to the ultimate question – why we are here on planet Earth – is because we’re here.  And now everything doesn’t always happen for a reason, because it just… happens. You really couldn’t come up with a real answer for why things happen?  Heck, Hobbes came up with a better answer when he announced we were here because of “tiger food.”  This is like, when a teacher asks you to put down a definition for the word “drinking,” and your answer is “to drink.”  Heck, while we’re at it, could you imagine Rush writing other songs with questions involved?

But for all that, we’ve just hit the tip of the iceberg.  The music is disjointed, but had some potential.  The lyrics are bland and boring, but could have worked if they were rewritten a little.  The element that caused “Roll The Bones” to skyrocket to the third worst song of the year and nearly take home the crown of thorns is very simple.

Geddy Lee raps.

That’s right.  After a guitar solo (which is actually decent, it’s too bad it comes immediately before… this), Lee raps, with a verse that Peart wrote for him.  On the record, his voice was electronically manipulated so his voice is much deeper than his trademark high-pitched singing voice.  AND.  IT.  IS.  A.  DISASTER.  First off, Lee sucks as a rapper.  I’m a better rapper than he is, and I’m not freaking kidding.  His flow is slow and incredibly stilted, and features no distinctive elements whatsoever.  To all the rappers who constantly overuse generic triplet rap flows in trap songs, come back, all is forgiven.  Your rapping may be bland, but… it’s still way better than this.

And yet, Lee’s rapping skills isn’t even the worst part of the verse.  Peart’s lyrics are even worse.  Oh dear God and Christ, these lyrics.  It’s literally just Peart adding all the complex words he could think of, and focusing more on rhyming than, you know, actually coming up with an interesting way to present the message.  First off, he constantly uses the word “facts.”  As if he couldn’t think of any other words to use.

From the facts
You better run, homeboy
A fact’s a fact
From Nome to Rome, boy

Facts = fact (NOT A RHYME BUZZER)

Boy = boy (ANOTHER NOT A RHYME BUZZER)

CONGRATULATIONS!  GO BACK TO ENGLISH CLASS!

And yet, we’re not at the worst part of the lyrics yet.  To all reading this blog, I present to you… the worst lyric of 1992.  In any genre.  For all of you who thought “Blame it on a black man, what the heck” was the worst lyric of the year… Checkmate.

Just the facts
Gonna kick some gluteus max
It’s a parallax, ya dig?

WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUDGE?!?!

Did I just actually hear that?  Rush announcing that they were going to kick butt, with “gluteus max” put in place of “ass?”  Seriously, who on earth calls their booty their “gluteus max?”  NO ONE!  ABSOLUTELY NO ONE!  It was just put there because Peart was so focused on rhyming that it didn’t occur that he had just written the worst line of his career!  This actually happened!  For gosh sakes, Neil, just use “ass!”  It rhymes with “facts,” and would work so much better!  I know I’m off brand for swearing, but seriously!  Next time, just use ass!  Ass!  ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS!!!!!!

GOOOODDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!

I mean… seriously, could you imagine other artists using “gluteus max?”  I mean… this was 1992, the year of one of the more famous butt songs of all time, “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix-A-Lot.  Just imagine if he decided to go with this…

Turn around!  Stick it out!
Even white boys got to shout,
Baby got gluteus max!
(LA face with an Oakland gluteus max!)

It all adds up to one of the worst rap verses I’ve ever heard, as well as the worst part of an individual rock song in 1992.  Rush could do many things, but just like how it’s not a good idea for Kendrick Lamar to release a country song, it was a terrible idea for Rush to try their hand at hip hop.  And “gonna kick some gluteus max”… I have no words.  In the prime time rap battle, Stephen Malkmus of Pavement easily crushes Geddy Lee… in his monotone, pointless spoken verse about how high Geddy Lee’s singing voice is in “Stereo.”  And you’re my fact-checking cuz.

Rush may not be a band I’m certified to talk about extensively, but I know enough about music to know that “Roll The Bones” is a terrible song.  It’s a misconceived song with a half-developed premise and a bridge that will make you laugh and cry more than it will make you ponder the meaning of life.  I assume, with no hyperbole whatsoever, that this song is to Rush what “Summer Of Love” is to The Beach Boys or what “Look What You Made Me Do” is to Taylor Swift.  With all that out of the way, you’re probably wondering what could possibly be worse from rock music in 1992.  Well…

UP NEXT: Yet another legendary band contributes my annual worst cover song of the year at #2.

SOURCES

Thompson, Crash. “HOW TO GET INTO: Rush (Part 2) || The Rock Critic.” YouTube 8 November 2018. Web. 18 August 2022 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_EP7ktD7a0.

Stone, Paul. “It’s A Rap.” Anthem Records February 1992. 2112.net. Web. 18 August 2022 http://2112.net/powerwindows/transcripts/19920200rtbitsarap.htm.

IMAGE SOURCES

GIF of fans booing and GIF from “Ass” music video from Tenor

Album cover from Amazon

“How Will I Know” single cover from IMDb

“What Is Love” single cover and photo of Rush from Discogs

Shot from “What Does The Fox Say?” music video from Wired

GIF of the Genie from Aladdin. GIF from Giphy.