So far, you may consider this worst list pretty boring.  With the exception of Right Said Fred, a band that is about as Alternative as Turkey is a part of Europe, there haven’t been many hilariously bad or particularly outrageous entries so far.  And that’s okay.  Because starting here, we’re going to be taking a steep drop in quality.

And now let’s continue the disturbing trend of artists demonstrating a shocking drop of said quality.  Only this time, we’re going from just a standard bad song to flat-out embarrassment.

“Good Stuff” – The B-52’s

Pop
#28 peak (August 1, 1992), 13 weeks on chart

Modern Rock
#1 peak (July 11, 1992 – August 1, 1992)
#35 year-end, 9 weeks on chart

UK
#21 peak (July 4, 1992)
#64 year-end, 6 weeks on chart

Good Lord, what happened to the B-52’s?  After their classic self-titled debut album from 1979, a decade as respected new wave artists, and hot off the heels of their biggest commercial success Cosmic Thing, which featured their biggest hits “Love Shack” and “Roam,” The B-52’s absolutely collapsed with both their singles from Good Stuff.  The title track from the album is an embarrassing song, where The B-52’s come across less as the band that once wrote and performed “Rock Lobster” and more like different parts of your extended family trying to sing at karaoke night.

I haven’t listened to the album in full, just the two songs that charted in 1992 on the Modern Rock Charts.  All I can say is… if these two songs were their best foot forward, then I’d hate to hear what else is on the album.  The B-52’s other song that charted in 1992 was entitled “Tell It Like It Is.”  No wait, I misspoke.  It’s “Tell It Like It T-I-Is.”  WHY?!  Why on Earth are you randomly putting two letters before the last word of a phrase that’s pretty common?  The use of the phrase is so off-putting that it’s hard to focus on the rest of the song.  Plus the song has a basic, boring three-chord surf rock pattern, which is particularly shocking since it was produced by Nile Rodgers, the genius who co-ran Chic, one of the greatest disco bands of all time, before becoming a producer and producing Let’s Dance for David Bowie, as well as “Roam” for the B-52’s.  And despite all that, “Good Stuff” is even worse.

The first instinct I would have heading into this song is to bash the production, since Rodgers isn’t in the producer’s chair.  But “Good Stuff” was produced by Don Was, who also produced “Love Shack,” so he has proven himself for this band before.  And honestly, the music is fine.  There’s a nice tropical rhythm from the percussion and Keith Strickland’s guitar part is a bit more varied this time out, at least more than it was on “Tell It Like It T-I-Is.”  So Strickland is excused from the room.  “Good Stuff” is terrible entirely because of the lyrics and the performances of our vocalists.

After 1991’s “Shiny Happy People,” Kate Pierson continues her losing streak.  Only this time, she was one of the writers of the song, so she can’t be excused for the material she was given.  Her performance is overly energetic, and she finishes with an off-key high note in the outro (we’ll get to it).  But then we get to the other vocalist.  And since he speaks almost everything he says, my chains for critiquing someone’s vocals are off.  Fred Schneider’s performance on this song is absolutely embarrassing.  Schneider has always been an oddball, but he has proven his effectiveness with his spoken word vocals, from his slowly unnerved news reporting of “Rock Lobster” to the energy he brought to “Love Shack.”  On “Good Stuff,” he sounds as if he’s insane, as if he completely sold his soul and became someone whose only interest in life was to have sex.  Just listen to him when he announces “With you dang good stuff!” in the bridge.  He sounds so desperate for attention.  And then there’s the end of the second verse, where he gives an overly deep and throaty “YEAH!” when Pierson reciprocates his desire.

Oh yeah, did I mention this song’s about sex?  “Good Stuff,” within about one of two listens, quickly becomes an obvious song about a couple getting their rocks off, with the titular “good stuff” being the result of said activity.  For years, I’ve heard criticisms regarding how a sex song is supposed to sound, with so many going out of their way to swing baseball bats at any post-grunge love song because “it sounds ugly.”  Well, take it from me.  If you want a example of a song that doesn’t sound like it’s about sex, it’s “Good Stuff.”  This is the type of song you would write if you’re a teenager and just learned what sex was.  Just listen to these lyrics:

(Ooh, baby!)
What?
(How about givin’ me some of that good stuff?)
Well…
Here it is!
Here it is!
Here it is!
Here it is!

Do any adults repeat phrases over and over to each other when they’re about to reveal their family jewels?  This song is just so difficult to listen to in regards to how exaggerated the tone of the vocals are and how repetitive the lyrics get.  

Take me down where the love honey flows
Kiss you nice, nibble your toes

I am pretty sure there are no couples in the universe, except for a particularly small minority, who spend time in bed nibbling each other’s toes.  For the record, don’t send me links to this activity.  I’m not interested.

The big dipper sure ain’t big enough
To hold all of your dang good stuff
So let the people say we’re downright nasty
I just say we’re down RRRIIIIGGGHHHTTTT!!!!

(NOT A RHYME BUZZER)

Also, the big dipper isn’t big enough to hold all your… oh God, don’t send me that.  I don’t need to see it and I don’t want to see it.

And when they’re not discussing their disturbing exchange of love, Fred Schneider and Kate Pierson spend the remainder of “Good Stuff” being really, really repetitive.  And random.  The first noise you hear from either vocalist is a “B-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r!!!!!” noise being made from their tongues.  It’s disturbing and prepares you for the uncomfortable experience you’re about to have for the next six minutes.  Oh yeah, that’s right.  This embarrassing sex jam is six minutes long.  At precisely 5:55, “Good Stuff” is the same length as “Bohemian Rhapsody.”  Think about that.

Continuing on, in the intro Schneider and Pierson trade “Bum-bums” eight times in a row.  Is this the new “Troglodyte” by the Jimmy Castor Bunch or something?  What is it about cavemen and terrible love songs?  And finally, the song ends with Pierson and Schneider repeating the phrase “That good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good STUFF!” ad nauseum.  And all my glasses have shattered.  I hope you’re happy, Kate.

Not only is the sex in this song creepy and exaggerated in a way that it would make Ripley’s Believe It Or Not, it fails rule number one of sex songs: it’s a sex song that isn’t sexy, or at the very least, a song I can’t imagine anyone playing when they’re about to turn off the lights like Teddy Pendergrass.  This is going to be harsh, but it has to be said.  The people who would have sex to “Good Stuff” are the same type of people who would do it to “Afternoon Delight.”  One thing I’ve learned about sex songs is they usually have to be cryptic (like “Heart-Shaped Box” by Nirvana), or smooth and sensual (like “Feel Like Makin’ Love” by Roberta Flack) to win me over.  There are exceptions (specifically “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails, which succeeds because even though it’s a particularly vulgar sex song, it’s just as much about violence and a descent into madness as it is about sex), but it certainly won’t work when it’s a goofy upbeat song where our performers are being ridiculously repetitive and our lead vocalist sounds like jumping up and down on a trampoline.  And it’s not like The B-52’s can’t do sex songs, either.  Their self-titled debut included “Lava,” which my naive 15 year old brain thought was just a weird song about volcanoes, but upon reflection is clearly about sex.  But that song was creative by coming up with a pseudonym for sexual activity that fit in with the band’s quirky image, and Schneider stayed in his lane with his performance.  I can’t say that about “Good Stuff.”

UP NEXT: You all thought “blame it on a black man” was the worst lyric of 1992. Just wait for what the #3 song has.

IMAGE SOURCES

Album cover from Spotify

Single cover from 45worlds