This is my first retro rock list I’m publishing for this project.  Among the challenges relates to the Alternative charts, and understanding what does, and what does not, constitute “alternative music.”

Of course, there are artists that are impossible to ignore.  Weezer and Blur in the nineties, The White Stripes in the aughts, and Cage The Elephant in the tens.  But every year it seems, there is an artist that begs the question, “how do THESE guys qualify as Alternative?”  Let’s go through some examples.  For these nineties lists, I will be incorporating electronic acts, especially The Chemical Brothers, Fatboy Slim, and The Prodigy into these lists.  While they were electronica first, I consider them alternative since they did incorporate numerous rock and non-mainstream elements in their sound.  But in the 2010’s especially, I don’t know how certain artists are considered “alternative.”  The next list I will be doing after 1992 is completed is 2011, to honor the year I graduated high school.  A song that narrowly missed the cut for eligibility is “Rolling In The Deep” by Adele, which, yes really, did perform well on the Alternative Songs chart.  In 2013, the rap song “Thrift Shop” by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis was a number one on the Alternative Songs chart.  It’s a good song, but, uhh… how is it alternative?  With its hip hop construction, It’s got far more in common with hip hop and rap songs of the time, even the bad ones, than it does with Tame Impala or The Neighborhood.  And then there’s the fact that some songs on alternative radio sound like pop songs on Top 40 radio: the main example I can think of is “Welcome To Your Life” by Grouplove being yet another version of “Brave” by Sara Barellies and “Roar” by Katy Perry.  And with that rant about 2010’s alternative music out of the way, I was aghast to find that 1990’s alternative had the same problem.

The first example in 1992 involves Texas, who despite the name were a British group led by frontwoman Sharleen Spiteri.  They were primarily a pop group that sound most like the songs you would hear when you’re lost in the department store, with their biggest hit “Say What You Want” definitely sounding like supermarket radio.  But in 1992, they charted on the Modern Rock chart with “In My Heart.”  As a result, I had to make all of their 1992 singles eligible, and “Tired Of Being Alone” was the last song eliminated when I was narrowing down the eligible UK songs, right at #51 on the year-end.  After seeing the results I don’t know what I’m going to do about their biggest album, 1997’s White On Blonde, which will have multiple songs making the top 50 if eligible, including the aforementioned “Say What You Want.”  But Texas aren’t the biggest example of an oddball on the 1992 Modern Rock charts.  Showing up on the charts in January 1992, at #28 for two weeks…

… Is “I’m Too Sexy” by Right Said Fred.

How on earth does “I’m Too Sexy” qualify as an alternative song?  I mean, the main instrument’s a keyboard, instead of the guitars that were dominating alternative music of the time.  The percussion is an even bigger giveaway, as that synthesized drum loop during transitions is clearly a better fit for the dance charts.

“I’m Too Sexy” didn’t qualify for this list, thank God.  But it is only because the song had gotten big in Right Said Fred’s native Britain the previous year, so it will sadly be eligible in 1991.  As a result, I had to consider all the singles from Right Said Fred’s debut album Up for this list, and sure enough, while they didn’t have another chart success in America, turns out they had two big hits in the UK in 1992.  The first was “Don’t Talk Just Kiss,” a #3 hit in January.  But their second hit of the year has no right to exist.  When I put this list together, I made every effort to keep Right Said Fred off the list, to prevent there from being an awkward transition from INXS to this.  But the more I heard it, and the more it sat with me, I couldn’t keep it off.  Turns out Right Said Fred could do way worse than “I’m Too Sexy.”

“Deeply Dippy” – Right Said Fred

UK
#1 peak (April 18, 1992 – May 2, 1992)
#1 year-end (#12 overall), 14 weeks on chart

I… I don’t know how anyone could handle any more of this group after “I’m Too Sexy.”  But apparently Britain could, so we ended up here.  “Deeply Dippy” is a shockingly immature song, an equivalent of two thirteen year olds who just discovered that the opposite sex is attractive and set out to scare them all off with their lack of respect.

To start off, let’s give credit where credit is due.  Yes, “I’m Too Sexy” is one of the most laughed-at songs of the entire decade.  Yes, it is a stupid song.  Yes, I would not choose to listen to it on a normal day.  But if I could give it one thing… at least there is a place for it.  At least the song is a satire of the selfish, vain famous people who took over the world.  I can at least understand that the song is mocking the average standard for attractiveness.  So there’s that.  And it brings me to ask… how did Right Said Fred go from a song mocking people for promoting standards of beauty to… promoting standards of beauty?

I have one positive to say about this song.  “Deeply Dippy” has better instruments than “I’m Too Sexy.”  Rather than the chaotic programmed percussion of the previous song, “Deeply Dippy” is built around an understated acoustic guitar, a bluesy electric guitar, and features a snappy horn section in the second half.  But notice the word I used: instruments, not instrumentation.  The acoustic guitar becomes limp and repetitive as the song goes on, while the lead guitar could have been cool… if the song featured better production.  After the first two choruses, Rob Manzoli plays a guitar riff that, to be honest, has some potential with its descending pentatonic scales.  But in a section of the song that has absolutely nothing going on, producer TommyD smothered the riff so that it is barely audible, and all that effort is wasted.  There are other things going on in the song than the lyrics, you know!

And speaking of which… oh man, these lyrics.  I may not be an expert in scoring the woman of my dreams.  But ladies, if a man comes up to you and gives you this as his pick-up line, RUN.

Deeply dippy bout the curves you’ve got
Deeply hot
Hot for the curves you’ve got

Based on this line, Right Said Fred’s opinion of women is, “I hate sexy models for how vain they are about their muscular bodies and their ideal measurements, and how often they flaunt themselves for the cameras.  Oh, and by the way, you have a nice butt.”  Talk about hypocrisy.  Keep your opinion of her body to the bedroom, guys.  Oh, and that brings the question, “deeply dippy?”  You seriously couldn’t come up with a better way to express your attraction to someone?  I get “I’m weak for you,” “I’m hot for you,” and even, “I’m horny for you,” but “I’m deeply dippy for you?”  For those unaware of British slang, “dippy” is a word used as a substitute for “foolish.”  The problem is that “dippy” sounds like something a kid would use to discuss romance.  You would never say that Rhett Butler is dippy for Scarlett O’Hara, but I could totally imagine some random kid announcing, “Hey look!  Jimmy Neutron and Cindy Vortex are deeply dippy for each other!”

Oh, and you thought the objectification was over after this?  I mean, these are the guys who mocked people for being the targets of objectification.  Right?

Sierra smile
Legs that go on for miles and miles
(Aw see those legs man)
Miles and miles

I can feel your disappointment from here.

Like you had any in the first place.  But I stand by my opinion that “Deeply Dippy” is worse than “I’m Too Sexy,” because while “I’m Too Sexy” had a purpose and I could understand someone enjoying it as a guilty pleasure, “Deeply Dippy” fails even at that.  Apparently ineptitude at providing your Bumble sales pitch failed to convince Brits to avoid this like the plague, as this was the number one Indie song of the year in Britain.  I think I’m beginning to understand why people think the British charts are worse than the American charts.

UP NEXT: The most controversial worst list pick I’ve ever made at #8.

SOURCES

“Dippy.” American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fifth Edition. 2011. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company 13 August 2022 https://www.thefreedictionary.com/dippy

IMAGE SOURCES

Single cover from Discogs

Photo of Texas from Alchetron