For those of you who’ve met me, you’ve probably gotten the impression that I love 70s and 90s music a lot more than music of the past decade, the 2010’s.  In my opinion, the 70s had a lot more variety in music, with pop, soft rock, true rock music, R&B, Disco, and Country all getting their room to shine, while the 2010’s marked the rise of the monogenre, which meant that rock, country, and pretty much anything that wasn’t hip hop was getting crushed, sanitized, and turned into pop music disguised as something else.  The 70’s also had more variety on the charts, with more artists getting their chance than in the 2010’s.  But if I can give the 2010’s one thing, it’s this.  The 2010’s did a better job picking songs of the year.

I’ve ranted long and hard about many of the biggest hits of the 2010’s, but at least the #1 songs of the year were generally good.  After a rough start with Ke$ha’s “Tik Tok” in 2010, other top songs of the year included “Somebody That I Used To Know” by Gotye in 2012, “Thrift Shop” by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis in 2013, “Happy” by Pharrell Williams in 2014, and the world-conquering “Old Town Road” by Lil Nas X in 2019, which are all good songs.  Sometimes, even the best song of the year nabbed the top slot, with “Rolling In The Deep” by Adele in 2011 and “Uptown Funk” by Mark Ronson and Bruno Mars in 2015 being among the best songs of the entire decade.  The 1970’s didn’t have as good of a track record in this regard.

The first song of the year in the seventies, in 1970, was Simon and Garfunkel’s “Bridge Over Troubled Water.”  I’m going to get a lot of hate mail for saying this, but after dancing around it long enough, I have to admit I’m not a fan.  It’s overdramatic and wears out its welcome.  Don’t worry, I will not put “Bridge Over Troubled Water” on a future worst list of mine, I’m not that crazy; I just don’t choose to listen to it. For a less controversial point, in 1975 “Love Will Keep Us Together,” an aggressively mediocre song by the Captain and Tennille, took the top slot in a year that brought us “Shining Star,” “I’m Not In Love,” and “Born To Run.”  I’m still baffled that in 1978, Andy Gibb’s average “Shadow Dancing” knocked off the other, better Gibb brothers songs of that year like “Stayin’ Alive,” “Night Fever,” and “Grease.”  And don’t forget that the biggest hit of the entire decade, and the second-to-last number one hit of 1977, was “You Light Up My Life” by Debby Boone.  I’m not going to have it on this worst list since it didn’t make the Billboard year-end for 1977, but I have to agree with the general consensus in that it sucks.  I’ll go through my thoughts on the song in-depth when I get to 1978.  Pinky promise.

And in 1977, we didn’t do a good job picking the best song of the year either.  In a year where the top hits of the year included Andy Gibb’s best hit song, “I Just Want To Be Your Everything,” The Emotions’s glorious “Best Of My Love,” and Thelma Houston’s impassioned “Don’t Leave Me This Way,” this song not only became the number one song of the year with an eight week run at the #1 slot, but also became the second biggest song of the entire decade, only behind “You Light Up My Life.”  I think a lot of you knew this one was coming.  Hello, Rod.

“Tonight’s The Night (Gonna Be Alright)” – Rod Stewart feat. Jerry Jumonville

#1 peak (November 13th, 1976 – January 1st, 1977)
#1 year-end, 23 weeks on chart (18 in 1977)

I’m in a no-win situation with where I have this song ranked, because it probably isn’t going to satisfy anyone who follows these sort of lists.  If you’re an older 70s music critic, this song is just average, or meh, or whatever, not the worst thing to ever hit #1.  However, the younger people discovering this song have been tearing it apart as one of the worst things to exist in the seventies.  So one side wanted this song off the list entirely, and the other wanted this to be in the top three.  With this song’s popularity plummeting, it’s time to answer: why is this song so reprehensible to them?

A few sad facts about me and my experiences with pop culture.  Ellen Degeneres was once my favorite female comedian. I once loved “Lips Of An Angel.”  I was once a fan of the Nostalgia Critic.  And up until a few years ago, in my formative years as an oldies music fan, I liked this song.  My excuse is pretty straightforward:  unlike most people who follow pop music, my upbringing was in rock music, and as a result I listen to the music before the lyrics.  So instead of a disturbing romance story (we’ll get to it), I just heard, “Tonight’s the night, gonna be alright, do do do de do, nobody’s gonna stop us now” sung in Rod Stewart’s signature raspy voice.  I thought the chorus was well-played and catchy, and I will admit even today, this is not a bad chorus.  Rod’s vocals elevate after flatlining for much of the song, and the strings hit where they need to.  Plus in the outro, the guitarist (A Night On The Town, “Tonight’s The Night’s” parent album, features several guitarists, so I don’t know who’s playing it) puts out a simple yet effective guitar riff.  So what happened when I relistened to it?

Well, one thing that isn’t discussed often by critics of the song is its production.  For a song that became the biggest hit of its year, I’m startled that it sounds this trashy.  It’s particularly shocking that this song includes a who’s who of session musicians from the sixties and seventies, including several members from the famed Muscle Shoals Rhythm Section, the band that provides the backing music for Wilson Pickett’s “Mustang Sally,” Aretha Franklin’s “Respect,” and the Staple Singers’ “I’ll Take You There.”  The mixing is horrible, with the guitars in particular being too loud in the mix and dominating the song.  They aren’t even that remarkable in this part, particularly that dangling acoustic guitar that sounds like all its strings are about to fall off.  Then in the chorus, it gets even worse, with the strings getting louder.  Combined with the guitars, it results in Rod Stewart drowning in the song’s production, with his words barely making it through the muck.  And with the chorus being the most important part of a song, why are the instruments being cranked up here with the vocals being diminished?  Is this a lost shoegaze song?

Now for the part you’ve been waiting for: the lyrics.  Disturbing truth incoming: this song is about sex.  I’m sure that startled no one who’s heard the song, as there’s simply no other way to interpret a song that features the lyric, “Spread your wings and let me come inside.”  But when analyzing the song, it’s pretty clear: Rod didn’t think this one through.  Buckle up, because this one’s about to get freaky.

When I first heard this song, I thought Rod was singing, “stairway to my window,” as if he was inviting his lover to his bedroom.  Well my innocent mind got shattered when I relistened to this song:

Stay away from my window
Stay away from my back door too

I’ve already heard enough of this from seventies hit songs, where the male demands that his lover stay no matter what so they can feel love coming on.  It’s not sexy, it’s disturbing, and sounds like the woman is locked in a one-sided relationship.  True love is 50/50, dude.

Let me pour you a good long drink

Don’t even get me started on this one.  I’m sure Rod thought having a drink before lovemaking would be sexy, but this doesn’t bring my mind to that at all.  It brings to mind something way more serious.  Uggghhh, Rod, why?

To address the elephant in the room, I don’t think this song is about rape.  Even though I couldn’t confirm it when I researched this song (you see the pain I have to go through when I do these lists, people?) I keep thinking that this song is about Britt Ekland, Stewart’s then girlfriend.  And to be fair, that rather creepy French spoken word part (whispered by Ekland herself) does reveal that the woman in the song wants to have sex too.  What irked me about the song overall was not the subject matter, but the attitude.  Combine the opening lyrics I brought up earlier with these and tell me if you notice a pattern.

C’mon angel, my hearts on fire
Don’t deny your man’s desire
You’d be a fool to stop this tide

This song isn’t about the couple.  It’s all about the man, Stewart’s character, and how he desperately needs to have sex NOW.  

One thing I’ve noticed about relationships, in fiction and non-fiction, is that I hate it when one person has near-total control over the other.  That is the vibe I get from this song.  Stewart and his girlfriend are going to have sex because he demands that they have sex.  He hardly seems concerned with what his girlfriend thinks about the idea, they’re just going to do it because he decided they were.  Just add to that that Rod isn’t letting the girl leave his house – a sure sign that at minimum, she has to follow him like a strict, unyielding father figure, and you have a recipe for disaster.  And when your only evidence that this is consensual love comes from off-putting French whispering that just makes the ending more difficult to listen to, you failed to convince me this is a well-deserved ending.  

Is this the most disturbing love song of the seventies?  Not really.  “Troglodyte” by the Jimmy Castor Bunch was three minutes of portraying women as nothing more than fine pieces of butt with long hair and a caveman mentality, and “Love Won’t Let Me Wait” by Major Harris literally was a Philly Soul song about possible rape. Heck, it’s not even the most disturbing love song of the year: “Christine Sixteen” by KISS is definitively about wanting to have sex with an underage girl. Is this the worst single Rod Stewart ever made?  No, “Da Ya Think I’m Sexy?” was two years away.  But did this song deserve to be the biggest hit of the year?  Oh, heck no.  This is yet another entry in the sad, embarrassing history of men poorly treating women in popular music, and the production is surprisingly ramshackle from such a highly esteemed group of musicians.  The only real reason this song is not any higher than #9 is because the next song is even more offensive, and the remaining songs all sound worse on a musical level.  I told you at the beginning this was the worst collection of songs I’ve done on a list of this type so far!

UP NEXT: Yes, #8 is way more offensive than this song.

SOURCES

“Rod Stewart – A Night On The Town.” Discogs 2022. Web. 20 June 2022 https://www.discogs.com/release/1367468-Rod-Stewart-A-Night-On-The-Town.

Windeler, Robert. “Romantic Rod.” People 21 February 1977. Print. 20 June 2022. Information gathered from Wikipedia.

IMAGE SOURCES

Single cover from Discogs

“Shadow Dancing” single cover from SoundCloud

Image of Rod Stewart and Britt Ekland from Heart Radio

GIF of Schrute screaming from The Office. Posted on GIPHY.

Image of how I picture Rod Stewart and his love interest’s relationship in the song from Marriage.com