I need to begin this next entry with a promise.  I will try, as much as possible, to avoid the obvious picks at number one.

I’ve decided on my first years for pop and rock/alternative music, after which I will open up to requests.  One of my first years for rock and alternative will be 2005, in honor of the year I moved from elementary school to high school.  The winner of worst song for that year will not be Nickelback’s “Photograph.”  Similarly, whenever I do best rock and alternative songs for 1999 and 2000, “Smooth” by Santana and Rob Thomas will not be number one on the best list.  I want to be unpredictable, and while rating the songs objectively, I want to pay mind to my personal preferences.  I want to be an honest critic, and if that involves making controversial choices at #1, so be it.

I bring this up because in the limited scope of blogs that have covered 1963, this next song appears to be the most hated song of the year.  And indeed, it was my initial front runner for the crown of hornet nests.  But after listening to it more and weighing it against other songs, I knocked it down to #2, then #3, then #4 at the last minute.  And I’m sure after I discuss this song, particularly the lyrics, you’ll agree that it deserves the hate…

“If You Wanna Be Happy” – Jimmy Soul

#1 peak
#35 year-end

Meet Jimmy Soul, who true to his name, was an R&B soul singer.  This number one hit was his only hit song, and was meant to demonstrate a humorous look at relationships.  It backfired in a major way.

To start off, let’s discuss how it sounds.  And like several other tracks on this countdown, it has potential.  It’s ridiculously catchy, and the instrumentation is pretty good here too.  It would probably be better if the production weren’t so tinny and fuzzy.  But I know you didn’t come here to discuss the music.  This song is entirely here because of the lyrics and message.

The problem with this song is pretty blatantly obvious, as it’s right in the chorus which is repeated ad nauseum:

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So from my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

Yeah!  Screw beautiful women!  Go marry someone who isn’t cute!  Because we all know that beautiful women need to become the most oppressed class in America!  Talk about reverse discrimination when it comes to discussing standards of beauty.

OK, so maybe the song’s trying to make a point.  That people who marry someone solely because they are cute are shallow and immature, and to be truly happy you need to marry someone who you are happy with, even if that woman isn’t necessarily good-looking.  You know, like that crappy Hunchback Of Notre Dame sequel.  Discover someone’s inner beauty.  This will be a lesson that everyone needs to he-

HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!  You thought I was being serious when I said this song was going to have a positive message about love and women!  Oh my god… I don’t know why I’m laughing about this.

A pretty woman makes her husband look small
And very often causes his downfall
As soon as he married her and then she starts
To do the things that will break his heart
But if you make an ugly woman your wife
A-you’ll be happy for the rest of your life
An ugly woman cooks meals on time
And she’ll always give you peace of mind

Ugggghhhh.  Say what you want about how happily offensive the chorus is, this is when the song really falls apart.  At least there is a way to defend the chorus, as I just discussed.  There’s no way to defend this verse.  First off, assuming that all beautiful women are dominating buttholes on the level of Scottie Ferguson in Vertigo is just horrible.  Maybe there are some sexy women in the world who are self-absorbed and constantly flaunt their curves on Twitter, but there are also very cute women in the world who would be the perfect choice for you because they are loving, smart, caring, and supportive of you regardless of what adversity you two might face.  It’s all about what’s best for you.  And assuming that all good girlfriends just cook and live as homemakers has really aged poorly in today’s world.  You know, women have jobs too.  They want to get those dollar bills too.  Talk about sexist.

When I initially ranked this song, I didn’t think Jimmy Soul meant this song seriously.  I legitimately thought he was trying to add some humor to the pop charts.  But just one year after the success of this song, Jimmy Soul entrenched his status as a one-trick pony by releasing a new song that sounds almost entirely like “If You Wanna Be Happy” entitled… “Treat ‘Em Tough.” Not only is it constructed in exactly the same format as “If You Wanna Be Happy” with a chorus repeated at least six times in barely over two minutes, a single verse, and yet another “Say man!” bridge, it features the following lyrical gems…

Every now and then you gotta get a little rough
They’ll love you more if you treat ’em tough

If she says you can’t go out with your boys
Don’t be chicken, just tell her off
Lock her in the closet and stomp right out
And then she’ll know who’s boss

One’s an accident, two’s a trend. Hey Todd, I found one of the all time worst “failed follow-up” songs ever! Oh yeah, and after his fame faded away, Jimmy Soul died in prison in 1988 while serving a 4 1/2 to 9 year sentence for drug charges. I wish I was making this up.

Going back to “If You Wanna Be Happy,” this song will only make you laugh because of how off the mark this premise was.  There is only one way I can think of this song being better… I just imagine that it’s about Shrek and Fiona.  A story where an ugly ogre marries a pretty woman who becomes another ugly ogre.  Come to think of it, Shrek is just a way better version of this song.  Skip the song and watch the movie.

UP NEXT: What could be worse than a song that is sexist? How about… another breakup song at #3?

SOURCES

Macamba0. “Jimmy Soul 6/1988.” Rock And Roll Paradise 28 October 2016. Web. 19 May 2022.

IMAGE SOURCES

Single cover from Wikipedia

Images of Shrek and Fiona from Pinterest and Dev Discourse