So… after this year’s lists are done, I plan on doing a 70’s year next for pop music.  I can’t wait.

Along with the 90’s for rock music, the 70’s is my favorite decade for pop music.  It’s amazing to consider the sheer variety of what was offered on the pop charts: while Disco is the most remembered genre of the decade, you also have the Philly Soul scene from the first half of the decade, the vast variety of rock music from Progressive Rock to straight up Blues Rock, and the beginnings of New Wave at the end of the decade.  Even some of the much-maligned soft rock of the decade is pretty good.  You’re goddang right I said it.

There is one artist, however, that I am not looking forward to covering from this decade.  I am going to have to talk about the Osmonds.

The Osmonds were hugely successful from 1970 to 1976, scoring 11 top ten hits during this time frame in one form or another.  And sorry, but to quote Lina Lamont in Singin’ In the Rain, I can’t stand ‘em.  The worst part about covering them is that I don’t know what I’m going to say about them.  The reason is simple: the only thing they do on their songs is sing, as they didn’t even have a hand at writing their songs as a vast majority of their hits were covers.  Anyone who knows me knows that I never sing.  The closest I come to singing is humming when I’m alone, and let me tell you, I have ZERO vocal range.  It’s why my criticism style almost entirely discusses music and lyrics.  The one thing I can consistently criticize about them is that not only are most of their hits covers, but they are essentially watered down covers of songs that were hits for someone else before.  And not only that, but many of the songs they covered weren’t good songs to begin with.  For example…

“Deep Purple” – Nino Tempo & April Stevens

#1 peak
#19 year-end

Nino Tempo and April Stevens were a duet team from Niagara Falls.  I didn’t know about them or their place of origin when I did my Top Ten list on the best songs from my homeland of Upstate New York earlier this year, but these two would not have made the cut.  

A bit about the song.  If you’re wondering, yes, this is the song that inspired the name of the band Deep Purple.  Richie Blackmore’s mother loved the song so much that his band took on the name as a tribute.  It’s too bad that this version is no “Smoke On The Water” or “Hush.”  Can I listen to one of those instead, please?

No?  Fine…

“Deep Purple” is a cover of an old standard from the 1930’s, written by Peter DeRose with Mitchell Parish adding lyrics later.  So The Osmonds version is a cover of a cover.  Ok, enough about The Osmonds, let’s discuss why the Nino Tempo/April Stevens version doesn’t work.

First off, let’s discuss the most obvious problem.  “Deep Purple” is a love song sung by Nino Tempo and April Stevens… who are brother and sister.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just… why?  Who thought it was a good idea to have siblings sing about how much they loved each other… for decades?  Because this factor makes it really difficult to listen to lyrics such as these…

Through the mist of a memory you wander back to me
Breathing my name with a sigh

In the still of the night once again I hold you tight

But again… this was a problem with several duet teams.  Not just with Nino and April here, several.  There were numerous duos of brothers and sisters who sang about their supposed unrequited love for each other.  So while this type of pairing has aged horribly in today’s PC world, we need more reasons than “Frankie and Molly are siblings and they just sang about how much they want to kiss each other!  ICK!” to put this song on the worst list.  And there are other reasons why this song – excuse me, rendition – sucks.

Initially, I found “Deep Purple” to be an unremarkable song.  Incest jokes aside, it’s just your average “I love you” song, with little interesting dynamics involved.  Nino and April are decent singers, but they don’t really stand out as such.  The instrumentation starts off with a bleusy harmonica intro, which is pretty cool, I guess.  But after that, it’s your basic run-of-the-mill pop song instrumentation.  I assume the standard acoustic guitar-bass-drums format is here?

Then I heard one of the earlier versions.  “Deep Purple” is one of those old standards that a gazillion artists have done, from Guy Lombardo to Bing Crosby, and I was exposed to the Artie Shaw orchestra’s 1939 version, with Helen Forrest on lead vocals.  Finally, after hearing this version I developed an appreciation for the song.  Forrest’s lead vocal performance is sweet but exquisite, and the Artie Shaw orchestra delivers warm, soothing horn sections to back her.  If you look up this song, this is the version to listen to.  Because this version made me dislike the Nino Tempo/April Stevens version more.  The Artie Shaw version is warm and inviting musically, while the 1963 version sounds generic and bland.  And Nino and April don’t have any interesting ideas to add to the song.  Except… oh crap.

In the second verse of the song, April Stevens speaks the second verse.  Apparently the idea came because Nino forgot the words and April told him what the lyrics were, and the producers thought it sounded “cute.”  Notice I put “cute” in quotations, because it’s not cute.  It’s an awkward transition compared to the first verse, and I don’t get the vibe that it’s sweet and soothing.  I get more the mind that someone is coming up to me from behind, unperturbed, possibly with a knife.  It’s creepy, and it makes me feel uneasy whenever I hear it.  And mind you, April isn’t speaking any new lyrics here.  It’s just the first verse, repeated as spoken word.  What was the point?  To predict the upcoming rise of William Shatner?

This song works, by far, best as an old standard, because as a pop song it just bores, except in the aforementioned spoken word part which comes across as one big question mark.  Now I’m trying to guess Deep Purple’s rejected band names.  Who Put The Bomp?  “Baby Sittin’ Boogie?  You’re The Reason I’m- oh fudge, I just accidentally revealed the next entry.

UP NEXT: Well, I just revealed the entry, so let’s discuss “You’re The Reason I’m Living” at #9.

SOURCES

Bloom, Jerry. Black Knight: Ritchie Blackmore. London: Omnibus Press, 2007. Print. 17 May 2022.

IMAGE SOURCES

Osmonds photo from WikiMedia

Single cover from Stereogum

Photos of Artie Shaw and Helen Forrest from Discogs