You know?  When I started these worst lists, I thought it would be fun.  I watched content creators tear into songs like “Drive By” and “Watch Me (Whip/Nae Nae)” and thought lots of comedy could be had by riffing on bad songs.  But the years I’ve done haven’t given me much regarding bad songs where there are jokes aplenty to tell.  And this year is one of them.  1977 is a year where not only were there a lot of bad songs, they almost all sounded like butt.  And when I first heard excerpts of this song, I knew from a mile away this would make my worst list.

“After The Lovin’” – Engelbert Humperdinck

#8 peak (January 22, 1977)
#61 year-end, 19 weeks on chart (17 in 1977)

A year ago, when I was stuck in my apartment in Michigan due to COVID-19 and unable to spend time with anyone, I frequently listened to montages of 70s hit songs on YouTube to pass the time.  From the moment I heard the excerpt of this song – which keep in mind, was a five-second excerpt – I hated this song.  You may think I’m being too harsh, but I knew from that moment on I’d be discussing it today, even though I still needed to hear the full song.  We’ll get to that, but first off, let’s discuss our singer.

Do people remember Engelbert Humperdinck?  Apparently they do, because he does have six songs with at least 10 million streams on Spotify.  But I never heard of the man before I learned about this song and figured that most reading this won’t have heard of him, so let’s do some background.  Engelbert Humperdinck was an Indian-born British singer of new pop standards, to the point that he quickly earned the reputation of being a crooner.  Apparently he hated the label, but then again, if the shoe fits.  He had most of his chart success in the late 1960’s, pretty much the last window of opportunity for a pop singer of his type to be a true star with rock music exploding and pop standards collapsing.  And sure enough, he didn’t have much chart success in the 70s, focusing more on albums and concerts than singles.  But then this song came along, and for the first time in a decade, Humperdinck was in the top ten.  I could potentially understand this being a hit in the sixties, when Frank Sinatra was still scoring number ones and traditional film musicals were hanging on by the skin of their teeth, but the seventies?  When Philly soul, soft rock, and classic rock were king, while disco was about to seize an autocratic rule over the pop charts?

Let’s be real: I could understand this being a hit record if the song was good.  And to be fair, the song doesn’t start off horrible.  It’s just another easy listening pop song with piano, acoustic guitar, and strings while Humperdinck sings your typical love song about writing a song about her.  It isn’t inherently bad, but the problem with the song here is it sounds just like every other soft rock song of the period.   You could probably listen to this song and not bother with paying any close attention to it as a result.  There are a few problems with this segment, however.   The opening of the song with the strings and xylophones features an awkward cadence where it shifts up a key before going back to the original key, and there are some rather unusual lyrics regarding Humperdinck’s love for his woman:

Thanks for taking me
On a one way trip to the sun
And thanks for turning me into a someone

Obvious question here:  Wouldn’t a one-way trip to the sun cause you to burn up?  Doesn’t sound like a very romantic getaway.  And then there’s the lyric about turning Humperdinck “into a someone.”  Like, you weren’t even a person before you met her?  You didn’t even exist?

Then we get to the 2:15 mark, where this important question was asked in the studio:

Guy #1:  “Hey!  How are we ending this new Engelbert Humperdinck single?”
Producer:  “Uhh… ummm…. Key change?”

Yep.  After spending the majority of the song in C major, the song’s key is tuned up half a step for the final verse and outro.  And it is here, during this painful segment, where “After The Lovin’” turns into the unbearable excerpt I heard in all those 1977 videos, and the song that was destined to earn a spot on this list.

Everything about this final minute and a half is excruciating.  After being a compliment in the first two verses, the horns and strings are cranked up to 11 and start dominating the song, drowning out all the other instruments.  Additionally, the horns are playing this loud, repetitive eighth note pattern that brings to mind that suddenly, the Rockettes have joined Humperdinck on stage to do their kickline routine, blocking the audience from even seeing our singer.  I came here for a pop song, not a painful orchestral performance where they were actively trying to make the concert hall collapse.  Also, sorry to say it, but the background singers who play call and response with Humperdinck here needed to go.  They come in out of nowhere at the key change and are needlessly dramatic.  What do they even have to do with the meaning of the song, which was supposed to be an intimate relationship between two lovers?  Key word: two.  Not twenty.  

I’m pretty infamous for hating songs with bombastic, dramatic orchestral flourishes at their conclusions, like “Theme From New York, New York” (which, might I remind you, had its debut in 1977) and as I repeatedly stated on my 1963 list, “It’s The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.”  I think this is a good place to bring up why I hate these songs, as “After The Lovin’” shares many of their bad qualities.  The instruments are so loud and so dramatic that they take away from the subject matter of the song, instead putting loudness over quality.  And the only way for the singer to stand out in these songs is to absolutely ham it up, to the point that it is embarrassing to hear them belt their final high note.  And that’s the vibe I get from this song.  It was a pop song turned into a showstopping musical number when it didn’t have the ability.

And that doesn’t include the fact that some of the lyrics here are easy to riff on:

And I know that my song
Isn’t saying anything new

You’re right, Engelbert.  It isn’t.  There were at least 15 songs on the Billboard year-end list that used key changes before the final verse or chorus. 

There is only one real positive I can say about “After The Lovin’”:  It isn’t as bad as I expected.  Usually an unnecessary key change is a death sentence from me, but having heard that terrible ending for a year before listening to the song in full for this list, it makes it so we wait for the awfulness to begin over the first two minutes, rather than suffer four minutes of it.  When I came into this list, I was gunning to put this in the top five, and potentially even consider it for the throne of spikes.  But after listening to it, I decided, nah.  “After The Lovin’” is just a poorly executed easy listening song.  And some songs we will get to down the stretch, especially in the top 5, are more than poorly executed, they’re catastrophic.  This isn’t even the worst example of a song of this type we’ll be going over on this list, either.

UP NEXT: There’s such a thing as kicking someone when they’re already down… and then there’s #6.

SOURCES

Frentner, Shaun. “Humperdinck, Engelbert.” Cengage 14 May 2018. Encyclopedia.com. Web. 19 June 2022 https://www.encyclopedia.com/people/literature-and-arts/music-history-composers-and-performers-biographies/engelbert-humperdinck#:~:text=As%20Humperdinck%20told%20the%20Hollywood,a%20bank%20couldn%27t%20cash.

Key of “After The Lovin’” taken from Tunebat: https://tunebat.com/Info/After-The-Lovin-Engelbert-Humperdinck/2kpXlyuvv5Cnev3R31uc5D

IMAGE SOURCES

Album cover from eBay

Photo of Engelbert Humperdinck from Pinterest

Photo of the sun from B&H

Photo of the Rockets from Time Out