Before we get to what could possibly be worse than a song about being attracted to a potentially underage girl, here are a list of songs that were bad, but didn’t make the cut.

“I Love You Because” – Al Martino

#3 peak
#21 year-end

Al Martino was one of the last of a dying breed, a singer of traditional pop like Bing Crosby or Frank Sinatra.  Of course, you probably know him best these days as Johnny Fontaine in The Godfather.  He had three top ten hits throughout the 1950’s and 1960’s.  His biggest hit was his first, “Here In My Heart,” which was a #1 hit in 1952.  Eleven years later, he finally scored another hit with this song, a traditional pop cover of a country song by Leon Payne.  It’s too bad, because although he is a decent singer, “I Love You Because” is proof that being a nice guy doesn’t always work.

The biggest problem with the song is how it sounds.  It’s a traditional pop song with a string section and a host of backup singers, and they are produced and mixed terribly.  The song legitimately sounds like it was recorded not in 1963, but in 1953.  I take that back.  “Dancing In The Dark” and “That’s Entertainment,” best known for their appearance in the 1953 MGM musical The Band Wagon, have better production than this.  The backup singers are so poorly recorded when they reach the height of their collective vocal range, they may as well have recorded the song on ancient equipment in an echo chamber.

And then there are the lyrics.  The song is about his appreciation for his loved one.  That sounds sweet on paper.  But then you break the lyrics down and realize this is Hallmark greeting card levels of complementing.

No matter what the world may say about me
I know your love will always see me through
I love you for the way you never doubt me
But most of all I love you ’cause you’re you

Look.  I do like the message of this song a lot more than the “WAAAAHHHH! WAAAAHHHH! MY GIRLFRIEND BROKE UP WITH ME!  WAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!” we went through on this list.  But the message of the song is a little too on-the-nose, and the production drags the lyrics down with it.  Good effort Al, but keep trying.

Well, I can say one thing about this song.  At least Al Martino is staying in his lane and trying to play to his strengths.  I mean, he’s a traditional pop artist, could you imagine if he decided to do, like, a disco song or something?

Gosh dang it.

“My Boyfriend’s Back” – The Angels

#1 peak
#12 year-end

This pick might be controversial for some because even in a crowded field of girl group songs in 1963, this song stood out with its “Hey-la, hey-la, my boyfriend’s back” hook.  This may be one of the few songs in this list you may recognize, and I’ll admit, it sounds great.  The hook is infectious, and even though it relies on “na-nas,” at least “hey-la, hey-la” is a form you don’t hear every day.  If I were ranking this on sound alone, I’d rank it pretty positively.  There is one small problem.  The lyrics.

This song is about a woman whose boyfriend is coming home, and will now be able to fend off her stalker’s advances.  Sounds like a scenario where the couple will be portrayed as the sympathetic group facing a sick man.  But…

You’re gonna be sorry you were ever born
(Hey-la, hey-la, my boyfriend’s back)

Hey, he knows I wasn’t cheating
Now, you’re gonna get a beating

You’re a big man now but he’ll cut you down to size

Yeah… looks like no one’s going to be the good person in this scenario.

While the antagonist of the song does come across as a no-good creeper who just spreads rumors so he can have the protagonist, the protagonist and boyfriend are threatening violence and to physically injure the baddie.  This is bullying, plain and simple.  Nothing excuses you from threatening to make someone else’s life miserable.  Nothing excuses you for escalating a bad situation to violence.  Everyone in this song comes across as a jerkface teenager who deserves detention.  Once again, lyrics ruined a promising song.

“Don’t Say Nothing (Bad About My Baby)” – The Cookies

#7 peak
#79 year-end

Hey, had enough “You’re mean to me, so I’m gonna be mean to you” songwriting?  No?  We’ll you’re in luck!

The Cookies were yet another girl group in the early 60’s, and this was their only Top 10 song.  Too bad, because this isn’t a good representation of what they could have become.  “Don’t Say Nothing Bad” is another song where some other woman spreads rumors that the protagonist’s beau is a “playboy.”  Ok, that’s bad.  But then the woman also handles this situation immaturely.

He’s true,
He’s true to me
So girl, you better shut your mouth

Oh, good.  We’re using “shut up” to tell off people.  Don’t you realize that phrase really means “I don’t care about you” or “you have no right to talk,” not the commonly attributed “be quiet?”  Go hang out with Simple Plan, you brat.  Adding to it, there’s little that’s really done to defend the boyfriend in this song.  All we find out is that “he’s true.”  What if he’s mean to everyone else in his life?  What if he doesn’t try hard in his job, or throws tantrums because the Yankees lost?  Then I would totally understand the criticism.  The song is vague and doesn’t do enough to get me on the protagonist’s side.

To be fair, the song’s conflict isn’t as bad as “My Boyfriend’s Back,” which threatened violence.  But “Don’t Say Nothing Bad” doesn’t sound as good as the former song, either.  It’s just your average girl group song, which means it sounds fine, but pales in comparison to “Be My Baby” or “Then He Kissed Me.”  The final hook of the chorus, where the lead singer announces that “he’s true to me, and that’s all I care about,” sounds way too busy compared to the other lines of the chorus and comes off as off-beat.  And this song was written by… Gerry Goffin and Carole King.  Between this and “Go Away Little Girl,” what was wrong with them in 1963?

“I’m Leaving It All Up To You” – Dale & Grace

#1 peak
#18 year-end

Oh look, another song that The Osmonds covered.  I don’t have much to say about this one, because while it is better than The Osmonds version (and better than the other songs that The Osmonds covered on this year-end list, for that matter), “I’m Leaving It All Up To You” still doesn’t work as a song.

Let’s start with the positives.  This is better than The Osmonds version because, along with the obvious that this is a love song sung by a duet team and not a brother and sister, the production is less obnoxious than The Osmonds version, which just piled on horns and strings and made the song needlessly overdramatic.  Furthermore, this song isn’t creepy or pointless (like the spoken word verse in “Deep Purple”) or creepy and disgusting (like “Go Away Little Girl”).  But there is nothing here that makes me want to come back to this song.  There’s practically nothing to this song other than the chorus, which is used three times in the two minute song, with several lines repeated in the outro.  Other than that, there’s a verse that sounds like it was just put in to avoid making this the “Norman 3” of 1963, a song that’s just a chorus repeated over and over, and a string section that still sounds a little too loud.  And the guitar solo?  It’s there, I guess.  It’s yet another song that didn’t deserve its second life a decade later.

“Sally Go ‘Round The Roses” – The Jaynetts

#2 peak
#66 year-end

I’m planning on presenting an award whenever I see fit, entitled the “Pon De Replay” award.  This is going to be an award that is presented to a song that I find bad not because it is obnoxious or immature or because the lyrics are bad, but because I just can’t connect with it at all.  The reason for the name is because “Pon De Replay” by Rihanna is a song that I have just never connected with, and it’s not for any critical reasons, it’s just my ears don’t like hearing it.  The 1963 “Pon De Replay” award goes to this song, “Sally Go Round The Roses,” by the Jaynetts, their only Top 10 song.

Something about this song doesn’t click with me, and I can’t quite put my finger on it.  There is an interesting bassline and groove in the song, but not one I would necessarily want to hear.  As a pop song, of course, it comes down to the lyrics, and I just sit confused by the metaphor presented here…

Sally go ‘round the roses
Sally go ‘round the roses
Roses they can’t hurt you
Roses they can’t hurt you

Sally don’t you go, don’t you go downtown
Sally don’t you go, don’t you go downtown
Saddest thing in the whole wide world
Is to see your baby with another girl

I… I just don’t get it.  Why are roses being used as a substitute for downtown?  Why are roses flowers that can’t hurt you, even though as most people know, they have thorns?  What do roses have to do with the song protagonist’s lover having an affair?  Every time I try to analyze these lyrics, I just sit, dazed and confused.  If you like this song, more power to you.  Maybe I am going to have to take a class on the metaphor for roses and extramarital affairs.

“I Will Follow Him” – Little Peggy March

#1 peak
#26 year-end

Look.  Before we start, I don’t want to be hard on Peggy March, who was only 15 when this song was released.  And if I’m being honest, this song is not her fault.  As this song demonstrates, March was a much better singer at 15 than I will ever be, and she didn’t write the song.  Because this catchy and infectious song falls apart when you look at the lyrics.

You may know this one.  It’s one of the few hits of the year that radio still plays.  “I Will Follow Him” is a song about a lovestruck girl who falls in love with a boy, and announces her intention to become his girlfriend at all costs.  Literally.

I will follow him
Follow him wherever he may go
There isn’t an ocean too deep
A mountain so high it can keep
Keep me away!
Away from my love!

Yeeeeaaaahhhhh.  This is to early 60’s pop what “You Can’t Change That” by Raydio is to 70’s R&B, or what “Follow You Home” by Nickelback was to 2000’s hard rock.  It sounds like a thesis statement from a stalker.  What makes it worse is we don’t find out if this boy is even interested in Peggy.  It’s all about her, and not about the boy, which is kinda important if you’re going to begin a relationship.  It’s a shame that this was Peggy March’s only American hit (though she did have other hits overseas as an adult), because she did have talent.  But sometimes you get the wrong material.

“South Street” – The Orlons

#3 peak
#47 year-end

Years before the Philly Soul movement came to fruition, the Orlons were a Philadelphia R&B/Soul group who scored all of their three hits within a year.  After two of their hits were released in 1962, their last was “South Street,” released earlier this year.  Well this was a bad first impression for me, because this song is annoying.  And it comes down to those verses.  Those irritating verses.

The verses consist of questions asked about where all the best dancing in Philadelphia, and the backup singers all proclaim, “SOUTH Street!  SOUTH Street!”  It is the main hook in the song, and it becomes grating quickly.  It doesn’t sound like a proclamation, it sounds like I am actively being taunted.  Like, I missed a free throw during a pickup game on South Street and everyone is harassing me over the fact.  Anyways, relating to the song’s subject matter, this hook causes me to lose all interest and not believe any of the statements in the song.  South Street cannot be hip, because of that hook.  This hook does not make me want to move my feet.  It makes me want to bash this song’s face in with a street sign.  Let’s move on to Number One.

Author’s note: On reflection, Bobby Bare’s “500 Miles Away From Home” should have been included as a dishonorable mention, as it too contains a pointless spoken word verse. I may relisten to the song and add an entry for it someday.

UP NEXT: The worst song 1963 had to offer.

IMAGE SOURCES

“I Love You Because,’ “Sally Go Round The Roses,” “I Will Follow Him,” and “Volare” single covers from Discogs

Single cover for “My Boyfriend’s Back” from Stereogum

Single cover for “Don’t Say Nothing (Bad About My Baby)” from Spotify

Single cover for “I’m Leaving It All Up To You” from 45cat

Single cover for “South Street” from Way Back Attack